March 24, 2025
Cindy Lopez: Welcome. My name is Cindy Lopez, the host of this CHC podcast, Voices of Compassion. We hope you find a little courage, feel connected and experience compassion every time you listen.
Talking with teens about consent can feel awkward, but it’s a critical conversation for their safety and well-being. In this episode, we talk about consent with CHC psychologist and director of clinical training, Dr. Carlina Wheeler. Join us for this conversation as we consider what consent really means and why it’s essential in all relationships. We’ll explore practical ways that parents can open up the conversation, even when their teens seem unwilling to engage, and discuss situations where consent is not possible, such as when someone is under the influence or feeling pressured. So listen in today for insights and strategies to help your teen navigate boundaries with confidence and respect.
Welcome, Dr. Wheeler. So before we dive into the conversation, would you take a moment to tell our listeners maybe a little bit about yourself?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: Hi, Cindy. Hi, everyone. Thanks for joining us. I am Carlina Wheeler. I’m a licensed psychologist with Children’s Health Council, and one of my primary roles is serving as the director of training for our child and adolescent psychology training programs. So I have the privilege of training and supervising doctoral interns, postdoctoral fellows, and my clinical background has almost exclusively centered on the treatment and assessment of youth and their families. So I’m very passionate about supporting families overcome intergenerational influences of trauma, unhealthy attachment and oppression and really, really enjoy having families come together and develop healthier forms of communication and relating to one another.
Cindy Lopez: Thanks so much for making time to chat with us today. As we know, this episode is about teens and consent, and how do we talk with our kids about that? Talk about any kind of strategies around that. How are we defining consent? What does that look like?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: Yeah,I appreciate the question. I know it’s a pretty wide ranging topic. We can go in a lot of different directions. And so, when I think about consent specifically, I think about the underlying importance of just like providing helpful information, having knowledge and the empowerment and also providing a lot of hope for families and youth who might be tuning in to our conversation. So, thinking about consent just as like straightforward as possible, consent, really thinking about how we engage in communication with one another, right. So it’s this idea of feeling like we’re in a cooperative dynamic, and I think there’s a lot of nuances too with the idea of consent when it relates to relationships. And so there’s aspects I think that we can definitely dive into in our conversation, but there’s legal aspects of consent, and I’m not a legal professional, so I won’t go too in the specifics there. And I’m sure we can probably link some resources that might be helpful especially because things differ state by state, but really thinking about the idea of having our own autonomy and power to make decisions really when we think about that in relationship to our own bodies and our relationships with others, that consideration that we have a right over our own bodies and own decisions.
Cindy Lopez: Yeah. I think what you’re alluding to is this idea of boundaries in relationships, and we actually have a previous podcast episode for our listeners on boundaries and parents setting boundaries with kids, but in this case, setting boundaries in relationships and how do you do that?
As you noted, there’s like the straightforward kind of definition, and there’s also, as you said, these nuanced pieces of it.And as I’ve done a little bit of my homework for this episode, I’ve also come to be aware of how gender plays into that, in terms of consent. Do you have any thoughts about that?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: When we think about this topic, I feel like it’s a very gendered discussion, and it still applies to everyone, even those that identify as trans or gender expansive or non-conforming. And I have to recognize we live in a very gendered and heteronormative society and even like our research and our statistics are framed in these very like dichotomous like female-male ways. So I just want to acknowledge that piece too, but when we think about the different norms around gender and gender identity and expression and kind of by extension, sexual behaviors, things that we’re attracted to either emotionally or psychologically, there are some differences that the research demonstrates and not only in these different patterns of behaviors, but also what’s reinforced, whether it’s across like our environment, societal expectations, things that are influenced by our culture, our socioeconomic status, religion, there’s a lot of different things that play into it and of course, there’s also these underlying biological influences as well. So I do appreciate the question. I think when I was thinking about this topic, I was thinking about it a little bit backwards around some of the levels of risk for different populations, and I think just knowing that one in three females and one in five males, in terms of what’s actually reported, will experience some form of sexual trauma before they hit the age of 18. And so, because a lot of my work is around supporting those that have experienced trauma, I think about those different pathways and how we can support our youth in understanding their boundaries and their body safety and how to communicate those limits to us early on, early in their development, how that looks in our homes and also with peers at school, there’s a lot of opportunities, I think to develop that.
Cindy Lopez: And I’m guessing, from what you just said too, that sexual trauma often relates back to this idea of consent, like what is okay and what’s not okay for you. And that you can experience trauma when there is some inequity in that. Does that make sense?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: Yeah, yeah, there’s definitely this aspect of power, like a power differential. So, I mean, there’s like these very clear cut aspects of consent and things that are considered like healthy sexual relationships and development. And so the idea of minors who are engaging in, you know, behaviors with adults, like there’s these very like clear kind of like age related differences that again, it’s like this whole other area. But one thing that I was thinking about too, is this idea of just even having this conversation and having a platform you know, it’s uncomfortable, there’s this idea like the sex talk. And I was actually watching this TED talk. So there was a licensed professional counselor named Clint Davis, and he was talking about adverse childhood experiences. So the idea of like childhood maltreatment, including abuse, like so physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, and then also thinking about neglect, and we have this idea of like physical neglect, emotional neglect, but he is actually advocating for sexual neglect as an area that we neglect to talk about, just like normative sexual development over time, how to provide like body awareness, ideas of consent from a very early age. And I really appreciate that kind of approach in thinking about what we provide versus what we withhold. And I think because these topics can inherently overlap with like, ideas of privacy. So I think that there’s definitely a lot of growth and improvement we can have by just diving into this uncomfortable space and just putting it out there.
Cindy Lopez: Here we are.
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: Yes. Exactly
Cindy Lopez: And for our listeners, they’re probably like, “Yes, yes, this is a little awkward.” And for parents and caregivers to discuss with their kids. What advice do you have for our listeners about how to start that conversation?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: Yeah. I mean, I can imagine some people might be listening because it feels very relevant. They’re like, I have a tween or a teenager, they’re going through puberty and now they’re demonstrating interest and like we previously discussed, if we can have these conversations as early as possible, as often as possible, we really are setting up a really solid foundation. So even just the idea around not necessarily introducing topics of sex with young children, but like being able to label their private sexual body parts and the rules around that, and the reason why we have those rules, and just giving them more autonomy around like, “All right, like it’s time to brush your teeth. Do you want to brush them by yourself or do you need my help?” So being able to be really mindful about how we model this idea of consent and autonomy from a very early age. And it’s not like once when you miss that train there’s no going back to it. I think that there’s always these opportunities. And so, I always encourage parents to be authentic, just leaning into, like, this is uncomfortable – I like, really have an important topic that I want to discuss with you. And it makes me feel uncomfortable and it’s also important and it’s about your safety and about these values that we have. And so like, really establishing this approach that you’re also modeling. We can talk through the discomfort and maybe over time it gets a little bit easier.
Another thing that I’ve had parents do is give that choice, modeling choice with their teens, like, “Is now a good time? It’s really important that we talk about this, would you prefer that we set something up tomorrow instead?” So even kind of modeling that flexibility. It’s not like a one and done. This is an ongoing conversation, and there are aspects that are uncomfortable. And I think, you know, the other thing, we don’t have to have all the answers, all the right answers. There are limits to our comfort and our knowledge. And so even being able to say, “Huh, I don’t know, like maybe that’s when we can look up together” or “You have an appointment with your pediatrician – that’s a question that’s more related around your physical health. Is that something you feel comfortable asking them?” So like having those opportunities to be flexible and just coming in with as much openness and non-judgment as possible can really help, especially as your children get older.
Cindy Lopez: You said something about talking to your child about body safety and values and how that’s reflected in this conversation and talking about consent and sexuality. Is there a way that parents could prepare themselves for it? Should they? Is there anything they should be thinking through before they have the conversation or does that matter?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: I think it does. I think it’s always helpful to feel like you’re preparing for these conversations. And just like having some time just to acknowledge your own personal history. What was it like when your own parents or caregivers approached you with these conversations? What was it like, you know, those conversations that you have with friends versus educators. And so just like taking stock of what some of your own past experiences included because that always finds a way into like our behavior in the present moment. And so I think it’s helpful to like check in with yourself. Are there other feelings that come up with it? Sometimes parents have their own personal history of being assaulted. And so that can also be this additional layer that they are carrying with them. And so I think acknowledging some of their own experiences, what may have been helpful for them might not be helpful for their own children, right. They’re living in a different kind of day and age. And I think it’s helpful too that there’s so many resources out there. I’m assuming that we’ll be able to drop some links that provide these really helpful markers around developmentally this is what’s considered appropriate behavior, this is how we can ask very open ended questions about it. These are the languages that are recommended through research. So, again, like these resources are very user friendly and they do not take long to go through, like, there’s one that’s provided from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network that I think is like about four or five pages and does a really nice job organizing things. And so you can even go to where your child’s age range falls and have like a little primer for like, okay, all right, this is within like reason. And it doesn’t take a lot of time and being able to have some preparation is helpful because you know, our kids are listening to us. We have a lot of influence in terms of their own values and expectations, and I think that only goes so far, as long as what we’re communicating with them we’re communicating it openly, and it’s also accurate.
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Cindy Lopez: For our listeners, Dr. Wheeler just noted a resource. So we will list resources in the show notes so you can find them there. So Dr. Wheeler, you referenced young child and how this conversation starts then, right. So it sounds like it’s about conversations you have with your child throughout their developmental growth, and as you noted, young child, your conversation is going to be different. And it sounds like that resource you just mentioned would be helpful with that.
I’m wondering if at any age, probably more at the older end of that range in terms of teens, how can parents or caregivers respond? Parents are ready to talk with them about this topic, but the teen, the child does not feel ready, like it’s too uncomfortable for them. Should the parent push? Should the caregiver push?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: I appreciate the question. I think there’s a balance to that. I think it goes a long way for parents, especially when kids are either giving you very strong verbal confirmation or nonverbal confirmation that this is not what they want to talk to them about. And so just validating that, say like, “I get it, this is uncomfortable for me as well,” but it is a responsibility parents and caregivers do have. I think it’s more of the exception and not norm, for a child or teen to initiate that conversation with their parents. So really holding that as one of our primary responsibilities. And again, we don’t have to come in like we are, you know, sex experts, but acknowledging to them that this is something that you really care about in terms of their own safety, them feeling like they feel respected, that they’re caring for their own body, that they understand what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone else and also demonstrating that care for them. So really just kind of scaling it back to like the bigger picture as opposed to all right, like I’m not about to give you tips or like, you know, so, there’s a broad range, but I think when parents are first encountered with some of that resistance, just validating it. We call that kind of like rolling with that resistance and letting them know that you’re still there.
Cindy Lopez: Some kids might be more open to talking about it because they might be considering entering a relationship. And I wonder what the conversation might be with parents as they’re kind of observing this happening, right? They’re observing, oh, my child, is like getting closer to this person, and I wonder what they have thought through and what they have not. I wonder too, for our listeners, what sexuality looks like typically, in especially teens as they develop?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: I think parents, whether they are the ones who are picking up their children and all their friend groups, you know, all together, I think there’s different levels of involvement. Sometimes parents quite honestly, have access to having surveillance on how often they’re texting a certain number, right? So even in the absence of having something be very obvious to them, I think it is important for parents to be involved and be curious about the relationships that their children are developing. And, you know, I think kids typically respond well if questions are framed very openly. So even if you’re thinking, like, okay, they’re spending a lot of time with this individual, you know, instead of, like, just putting them on the spot and being, like, “Hey, what’s going on with you and so and so,” just like noticing things about them. “Oh, I really, notice that, you know, after I pick you up and you’ve spent time with so and so, you seem really happy, I just notice that. I think that’s really nice,” you know, what kind of things do you enjoy doing with each other? What is it that you like about them? You know, just like keeping things open.
You can also throw out like hypotheticals too, if they’re really closed off to like answering questions about themselves. “What kind of things do your friends more broadly talk about,” or, “What’s your understanding of how you change from like being friends to actually being exclusive or being in a relationship?” And there’s different things you can kind of catch on too with kids, you know, before we used to say like, oh, like, “That’s your crush.” And now kids will be like, “I’m catching feelings for someone.” So just like having, an awareness for how they frame things, like, what does that mean? I’m so curious. And it’s also helpful too just to try to relate to them a little bit too, I think it’s helpful just being open about some of your own experiences, like, “Gosh, it’s so weird thinking about it, but man, I had my first crush or caught feelings for someone, when I was like at such and such stage,” just being able to connect with them more broadly and model again, this like openness, a nonjudgmental space can really help kids feel more comfortable to lean in those conversations.
Cindy Lopez: So I wonder, as you are talking about all this, what does sexual health look like and what would parents be considering as they talk to their kids?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: One thing that I continue to revisit in some of the work that I do, especially when I have family therapy sessions and these conversations come up is this idea around protection. And sometimes as parents, when we fear something, we want to go in like protection mode. And sometimes that looks like protecting from like information. So not giving access to information or finding ways to withhold it. Other forms of protection are just like, I’m not letting you leave. I’m not letting you go and do these things. I’ve had parents say, “You’re not even going to date until you’re 18,” to their child. And I’ll never forget, I one time had a 13 year old just say, “You know, strict parents create sneaky kids. “And I was like, “Oh, yes…”
Cindy Lopez: Very insightful.
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: Yes, I was like, she put that out there. So now we can work through this.
So, you know, I want to think about, again, this idea of sexual health and development as part of this like normative arc, right? And so one thing that I kept returning to is this idea of like, oh, like we, we kind of lead through fear a lot. And sometimes that’s like the rationale that parents provide. I’m really afraid of you getting hurt or pregnant or, you know, like having an STD or STI.
And I think there is some validity to that, right? You know, we discuss, the prevalence of sexual trauma, especially for those under the age of 18. Based off of some of the larger research, there is evidence to demonstrate that some teens are as young as 13 when they’re engaging in sexual activity, but that’s really closer to 7 percent of youth, right? And then the idea around like, you know, STIs and STDs, I think that broader group, between like 15 and 24 years old, they can account for nearly half of those reported cases of acquiring an STI or STD and still being able to shift the focus as to what sexual health also encompasses, right? And, and so not having these like restrictive views around it. So, thinking about like these concepts, the basic elements around sexual health is really around like, your capacity to enjoy and control the sexual behaviors that you’re engaging in, the relationships that you’re developing, and then there’s also these aspects of like psychological and physical freedom, right?
And so thinking about, just like your attitudes about engaging in these behaviors and how healthy you are maintaining yourself when you’re engaging these behaviors. And I think, again, there’s a very almost like fear model of thinking about sexual health and all the fear or the shame or the guilt that comes with engaging in sexual behavior and how there’s a lot of differences about that across different backgrounds and identities, gender especially. There’s different rules that people are following, or even, like, when we look at how sex education is taught, oftentimes they split them up by gender and a lot of the emphasis is around how girls need to learn how to protect themselves and abstain from sex, whereas the conversations for boys is around, all right, this is how you put on a condom, right? So there’s, like, these limitations too with thinking about sexual health in more like restrictive or fearful ways.
Cindy Lopez: So Dr. Wheeler, I hear you talking about fear and how fear might keep us, parents, caregivers, from talking with our kids about this topic of consent and sexuality and there is fear and there also, I just want to acknowledge the fact that there are probably some values and beliefs that people hold that make it…it’s not harder to talk about, but how you talk about it might be different.
So I just want to acknowledge that to our listeners also thinking about consent can change, which was something that could have been okay with you, with me, last time I was with this person, is not. And so is that okay? Can teens change their mind?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: Yes, teens can change their mind and they do often, so, I think back to that framing of having a crush, like catching feelings, as if it’s like drifting through the air and then it’s like come and gone, right. So yeah, our feelings can change. There’s something that maybe felt comfortable on one day and so the assumptions like, all right, we’ve gone through that “base” so we can either like keep going there or even go beyond there and that’s the thing is similar to adults having like the sex talk with their children. It’s not like one and done. And I think having models for healthy communication around how comfortable are you with this right now, being able to know that these feelings can change and what that means I think is really important.
There’s a really nice YouTube video around consent. And they use this idea of offering tea as a way of like a metaphor of consent. And so it really touches on this too, just because someone accepted your tea, like one week, doesn’t it mean they’re going to want it the next three days in a row. And even things might change, you might have an individual that’s really comfortable with where things are at in the relationship. And as the tea is being prepared and heating up, someone’s feelings might change in that moment. And so really thinking about how do we like foster that communication and also that empathy for one another, to be able to communicate when these things change, being mindful that you have these rights, that you have these boundaries. And also on the flip side, how do you deal with rejection? How do you deal with when things change? And I think a lot of people, but teens especially do not deal well with rejection. And sometimes we can be overly empathetic. You know, sometimes people might feel like, I don’t want this person to feel bad, so I’m just going to go along with it, right. So I think it takes a lot of work. And, there was, you know, this, podcast that Dr. Lisa Damour did, and she talks about like consent and kind of this push of like the gas and the brake pedals, but one of the things that she wraps up with that I think is really, really important is this idea of like knowing what you want as an individual, what you like, what feels good to you. Then knowing what another person likes and what feels good to them. And then thinking about what you want together in like, relationship with one another. And then how to engage in that relationship as safely and responsibly as possible. And that’s again, like not just a one and done. This is like an ongoing thing.
Cindy Lopez: And I think going back to that idea of consent, there are times when a person’s not able to give consent or when they are giving consent, it’s not appropriate for them to give consent. So for example, like if a child’s with an adult, an adult is asking for something sexual, a child’s not able to consent to that.
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: Yeah. Yeah. This goes a little bit in the legal realm because different states have different ages of minor consent. California is like 18. And there’s other states where it’s 16 or 17. So I think, there’s this idea of consent and the things that contribute to it. And there’s some like very clear no’s, right? Especially an adult or someone who holds like a position of power or authority, even if they’re like close in age, if it’s someone who’s like a teacher or, you know, like a coach, like a peer coach, there’s this implied level of influence, that relationship can actually be more coercive. And so it kind of, takes you out of that, consent, the ability to be like, yes, I consent. I assent to this process.
Another thing that comes up, especially with teens, is use of alcohol and drugs and being incapacitated. And so, yes, legally, you do not have the ability to consent to engage in sexual behaviors if you’re incapacitated, and so that’s another thing too for teens, and I think there’s generational shifts, teens are using alcohol a little bit less than prior generations, but you know, it’s still seen as something that helps with social anxiety and parties, and so you have this perfect storm of people that are like, all right, I want to have some “liquid courage” and then all of a sudden, you know they maybe take it too far, and it leaves them vulnerable.
And so again, whose responsibility is it to have that knowledge? Like, all right, I need to look out for my friend that I went to this party with. You know, like they shouldn’t be like alone with anyone, right? Because oftentimes it’s not like they’re the only person who’s drinking. And I think that’s where there’s these really sticky situations where you’re like, yeah, my, my child, my son is like the sweetest guy. And then he like, drank too much. And now his girlfriend, like someone he was in a relationship with, is saying that he took advantage of her when she was drinking. And so I think, again, it’s just really helpful knowledge to know these very clear boundaries that impact a person’s ability to consent.
Cindy Lopez: Going back to what we said previously is that consent is ongoing, and it can change. So that’s something for our teens to also be aware of. Is there any advice or guidance that you would give to our listeners? We’ve talked about like things to do or things to say? Are there things not to do or things not to say?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: We don’t want to make mistakes, right, as parents, especially as we’re approaching these topics and they can feel very uncomfortable and we have to acknowledge it’s part of the process. I think that there are a lot of right ways to do things. And then, yeah, there are some like clear ways of not approaching things that can sometimes really shut down the conversation. And so thinking about what not to do, I think approaching with very close ended or almost like you’re like interrogating your child, putting them on the spot, trying to have the conversation with them in front of their friends, in like more public spaces. I think, asking like, very leading questions can also just like be a recipe for really shutting down a very important conversation. Again, like a lot of what happens in those situations is that we’re approaching it with fear. So that’s why I think it’s so important that we’re kind of like gauging where we’re at when we’re ready to have that conversation with them.
Cindy Lopez: Yeah, and speaking of that, too, I wonder about any words that you would have around talk tracks for our listeners for these conversations with their teens?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: There’s a lot more resources about this topic. I think if there’s different societal shifts around having these conversations and things change over time, right? We’re seeing that right now, like there’s I think a huge movement towards affirmative consent, positive consent that emerged after like the Me Too movement, right? And then, the idea of like, my body, my choice. And now we’re like seeing some regression too, oh, your body, my choice, kind of rhetoric that our young kids are exposed to. Even as adults, like we’re exposed to these messages, you know, our kids they’re logged in. They’re very saturated with a lot of information through social media. And so I just point this out because there is a lot of information out there. And I don’t think that it’s fair for again, parents to feel like, all right, I need to be like the professional about this.
I always encourage parents to reflect on what their own values are when it comes to relationships, when it comes to body safety, when it comes to ideas of respect, you know, it’s okay if a parent’s like, “My preference is that you wait until marriage to start engaging in sex, that is what our religion encourages. And I also want to support you in being responsible with your body.” Just like even acknowledging that our kids, they’re developing, and they’re growing in their own autonomy. And this idea of like control can also have some very negative repercussions if they get very used to having someone else have a say or control over their body, right. So I think really thinking about these overarching goals, how do we want to you know support our children and letting them know, “I want you to feel comfortable coming to me with these questions when they come up, how can I do that? How can I be someone that you feel like you could trust?” Kids can say very insightful things and then you’re able to kind of individualize. It’s helpful because people are talking more about these topics and there’s less like stigma around it.
I think it’s always interesting to put the teen, the child, in the driver’s seat when they are developmentally able to have these conversations. I wouldn’t, you know, put like my three year old on the hot seat, but thinking about having these conversations with them, like letting them know, this is important to me. “What can I do to help you feel more comfortable coming to me about these things? If you’re not comfortable with me, like, are there other adults that you can go to?” It can either be like other trusted adults, an aunt or a pediatrician. Kids get a lot of their information from their parents, they do, but they also get them from their peers and what’s online. And there’s a lot of benefits and limitations to that. And so sometimes if you’re able to kind of gauge, like, what is it that you know about this, like, you kind of understand, what their starting point is. So, it’s not necessarily like, alright, here are these very like predefined things that you can just say to your child, but sometimes leading with just like an open ended question and kind of seeing what they offer and letting that direct what are the next steps? What is it that my child needs?
Cindy Lopez: So I’m wondering, there might be some teachable moments for parents and just regular things they’re doing in terms of engaging with their kids. And I’m wondering if you have any ideas about that and how to help parents in that way.
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: Yeah. Yeah. So, I think about these as more like spontaneous opportunities. And I think that really is in line with this idea of like, this is an ongoing conversation. We don’t have to necessarily build it up as this one and done. But really being able to have moments where if you’re watching like movies together or a show and checking in with them and saying “Hey, like, I’ve noticed, when that person was expressing their love for them, they push the other person in the corner, did that person look comfortable with that? Like, what was your read on that?” Or we’ve talked about consent or this is something that’s come up at school before, in like this situation that we just saw, what would consent look like? So then you’re also getting kids and teens to practice and be like more critical thinkers in what they’re digesting.
So I know that sometimes if you’re not used to like integrating questions and reflections with watching TV, it might come out of nowhere for kids, so thinking about how you normally check in, it might happen in the middle of the show and be, like, “Whoa, wait, I’m not too sure about that. Did it seem like that was something that she wanted him to do? I’m so confused. Did I miss something?” So you can think about different ways to weave it in. So it feels like natural or I think that there’s a lot of things that come up in, shows or different movies where there’s like party scenes and it’s clear that they’re using drugs or alcohol and just framing it so that I’m like, “If that person is that drunk, do you think that they’re able to give consent?”
Just like even being able to explore those conversations in some of these more natural or spontaneous kinds of environments, can really help our kids and our teens open up a little bit about what is it that they’re exposed to and what do they take away from that, right? And in some ways they can also start rehearsing, how do they set their own boundaries? You know, just like how I think these conversations, the more and more we have them, as parents, gets a little easier with time, with practice, the same thing goes with children, being able to, not necessarily set up a role play, like what would you do in this situation, like, you know, but like, just having some of those moments where you can kind of hit pause and see what’s going on for them, right?
I think about, it’s very commonly shared that if there’s like an intimate scene coming up in a movie, like sometimes parents like, I’m gonna go get like a drink. I’m leaving like, or I’m going to fast forward.
So, yeah, yeah. I didn’t realize that this movie was going to go in that direction, right? So I think being open to these opportunities, right? It is a movie, or a show where these things are coming up, you know, our kids are exposed to this, whether it’s through something that they’re watching or something that’s like shared with them, like they just have access to so much right now. And so if you have, that opportunity where you’re with them and they’re seeing something just being like, all right, this is uncomfortable like watching this with you and this kind of goes back to like what we were talking about around how important it is for you to find your own voice and being able to express what your boundaries are. And so you know, again, being able to frame the why like why is this important.
Cindy Lopez: Yeah, as you were talking about watching that movie or that show together it provides some examples and some opportunities for you and your teen to talk in a different way about what we’ve discussed previously, and it feels a little bit safer that way, because you’re talking about someone else. So, I really appreciate that perspective too.
So, Dr. Wheeler, I’m wondering if you have any final words of advice or guidance for our listeners?
Carlina Wheeler, PhD: Yeah, well thank you for listening. I think that’s already like the first step as a parent or caregiver, just taking an active role, just wanting to know, like, how can I support my child? Thinking about their development. And I keep coming back to this idea around like what our role is as parents. And it applies not only to this conversation, but so many. And I love this metaphor that parenting is a lot like helping your child learn how to build a boat over time, And so like, they’re putting like the pieces together. And the whole idea is that they can eventually safely sail away from us and hopefully return and visit when they want, right, but they’re doing it safely and they’re learning how to do it.
And I think, you know, as social beings, I think it’s so important to think about our own children’s health and by extension their sexual interests and their romantic, their intimate relationships as an extension of that. And it doesn’t just like happen overnight, right. So how are we supporting them and building this awareness, having this knowledge, learning how to communicate things, learning about what feels good to them, what doesn’t, how do they express themselves and set these boundaries. They are really learning so much from us and what we’re modeling, like they’re very perceptive. And so they pick up on these things. And I know sometimes it feels like, oh, they’re not really listening to us or I’m just preaching. There’s a lot that they can gain and letting them know that ultimately it’s because you care, right. And that you want them to have accurate information that you want them to know that there’s resources that are available to them and that you are one of many resources as a parent.
Cindy Lopez: Thank you for joining us, Dr. Wheeler, and to our listeners as well, thank you for joining us. If you need some help as a parent, we are here for you at CHC, and you can reach out to our care team by email at careteam@chconline.org or you can call at (650) 688-3625. We do have parent coaching resources at CHC and this might be a topic that you might appreciate talking to some professional about in terms of how do I have these conversations with my kids or my kid has experienced some trauma and I’m not sure how to go forward or I myself have experienced some trauma and I’m not sure how to have this conversation. So reach out if you would like some help and support in that way. So thank you all again for joining us today.
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