September 25, 2024
Cindy Lopez: Welcome. My name is Cindy Lopez, the host of this CHC podcast, Voices of Compassion. We hope you find a little courage, feel connected and experience compassion every time you listen.
In this new podcast episode, we explore the meaning of validation and why it’s one of the most effective communication strategies for parents and caregivers. Although the term validation is often used, many people aren’t entirely sure what it means or how to use it in conversations with others, especially youth. Validation helps you feel heard and understood and valued, and it creates a strong emotional connection and goes beyond just simply agreeing or offering comfort. It’s really about acknowledging and accepting a child’s feelings as real and important. So with CHC expert psychologists, Dr. Erin Hoolihan and Dr. Tracy Cavaligos, we talk about how to break down the steps to effectively validate emotions and share practical examples of how to respond and common scenarios where validation is key. This is one I think you’ll want to listen to again and again.
Welcome Dr. Hoolihan and Dr. Cavaligos. Love it if you would take a minute to tell our listeners a little more about you and why this topic is such an important one to discuss.
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: Thank you so much, Cindy, for having Dr. Hoolihan and me here today. We both work predominantly with adolescents and their parents, and this is just such a pivotal topic for everyone to work on and probably comes up the most out of anything we’ve done between our teens and our young adults and their parents.
Cindy Lopez: So, as we get started, let’s talk about effective communication strategies. Here we are communicating, but why do we need to spend a lot of time talking about communication strategy?
Erin Hoolihan, PsyD: Super good question, Cindy. As Dr. Cavaligos mentioned, we both work a lot with teens and their parents, and we found that effective communication is such a cornerstone for strong and lasting relationships because being able to safely share our emotions and express our needs really is what breeds connection and understanding. One of the most important relationships we have is that relationship with our parents. And this is the first relationship in which we learn how to communicate, and it also generalizes to other relationships, which just simply means that it impacts how we learn to interact with friends and teammates and coaches and future romantic partners. So learning good parent-child communication is not only important for the relationship itself, but also for teens building those really important interpersonal skills. Our hope with this episode today is to shed some light on helpful ways for parents and teens to communicate.
Cindy Lopez: So as we are growing up as kids, like our parents are that primary relationship and the people that we learn a lot from about our communication. And a lot of what we learn is what’s modeled for us as well. So I hope for our listeners today, that part of what you hear is really helpful in terms of how you model and how you listen to your kids.
So I’ve heard the term validation a lot, in all of these podcast episodes we talk about it a lot, like, make sure to validate the person’s feelings or perspective when you start talking with them, right? So let’s talk about what that is.
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: Like you said, you’ve probably heard that if you’ve listened to any of our podcasts, like every single time. So validation really just tells another person that their thoughts and feelings and actions make sense and are understandable. We’re not saying you agree with the other person, you’re simply saying you understand their point of view and like how they’re feeling.
Cindy Lopez: So it seems like validation is really important as a tool, to learn how to use validation. How can validation improve or help our relationships or our communication?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: So validation can actually improve our relationships. It helps us de-escalate conflict and some of those really intense emotions, which, you know, happen a lot with our teens and parents. It shows that we’re listening, that we understand, we’re being non-judgmental and that we care about the person and the relationship that we’re in. One of the biggest ones, too, is like, it shows we can disagree without having a big conflict.
Cindy Lopez: Yeah, de-escalating conflicts and showing that we’re listening and that we understand and being non-judgmental, like those are such important parts of our communication and especially the kind of parent and child communication. Let’s see if we can break it down even more. So can you talk about validation, like maybe just a few easy steps to remember?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: Yeah, definitely. And we’ll also model for you parents a little bit of how to do that later on. So first we’re going to practice active listening. When you’re actively listening, you’re being engaged. You’re paying attention to the person who is speaking. And you can show that attention through things like verbal and non-verbal communication, like, if you’re talking to someone and they’re on their phone and they’re looking away, you’re going to feel ignored. So, if you’re talking with your teens, try to put away distractions, orient yourself towards the person, so facing towards them, and focus on the conversation and try to avoid multitasking. The goal of active listening is to understand and not just to respond to think of what you’re going to say next. Also, speaking of responding, when you do respond, be mindful of those non-verbal and verbal communication points, right, like, that body language, the face you’re making as you’re talking or listening to your child can really convey a lot to them. Facing away from them, or crossing your arms, or showing aggression can all communicate that you’re not actually open or safe to share with. Your tone, that’s super important. You may think you’re saying the same words, but it can communicate very different intentions or meanings. For example, if I said, “Wow, you’re really upset,” probably not gonna feel too great, versus saying like, “Wow, you’re really upset.” Those are the exact same words, but can come across very differently.
Cindy Lopez: So, Dr. Cavaligos, you mentioned like putting away distractions, like your phone and orienting yourself toward the person that you’re talking to. I think as parents or caregivers, it’s also important to know like your child, your teen, may not be looking at you while you’re talking. Is that okay?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: Yeah, yeah, and we’re talking about generalizations, so this can apply to neurotypical as well as neurodiverse youth. But when we’re sharing emotional information or we’re being vulnerable, it can be a lot to be looking our caregivers directly in the face or even angling our eyes towards them or angling our body towards them. And it may feel a little bit more comfortable for them to have a protective stance or to look away or to be looking off into space while they’re sharing. That doesn’t mean that they’re disrespectful or that they’re not open to it. And for parents, it can kind of feel like, well, if I have to angle towards them, why aren’t they angling towards me? You might notice, like, the more you create that safe space and show and reflect that openness, that they do start angling in a little bit more towards you. They may be leaning in, their knees may be coming a little bit closer, their shoulders coming in, even if they’re not directly staring you in the face, those are all some slight signs that you’re kind of attuned to your child and your child is attuned to you. So don’t feel discouraged if initially, you know, you don’t have that direct face-to-face lasting eye contact when they’re sharing.
Erin Hoolihan, PsyD: I want to add something to what Dr. Cavaligos just mentioned, and that is that we’re also talking about best practices here, and we’re always encouraging parents to model that good behavior. So model what you want your kids to be doing, right? So I think what Dr. Cavaligos has mentioned, like be the first one to put the cell phone down when you’re having a difficult conversation. Be the first one to use a softer tone of voice or to angle your body towards your child. So really I think lead by example would be a really good way to summarize what Dr. Cavaligos was just mentioning.
Cindy Lopez: So what kinds of questions can we use when we’re wanting to set up this kind of validating experience as we’re talking with our kids?
Erin Hoolihan, PsyD: Really good question. So when we’re responding, we really want to encourage using open-ended questions, such as, “What was it like to…”, or “How did it feel when…,” or “Can you tell me more about that?” This encourages elaboration and shows that we want to know more. Then you can try summarizing back what you think the person is trying to communicate to you. A very important piece of this is to name the emotion that you think they’re feeling, right, can be as easy as saying, “It makes sense that you feel upset that you did not make the club team you tried out for, you worked really hard.” Teens may not say an emotion. This is really important. They may not lead with that emotion word, and you can still observe from their body language or make inferences about what they’re communicating and try to identify an emotion. And if you get it wrong, that’s okay. They can correct you. So it’s still helpful in the conversation if they then correct you, right? So if they say, “I’m not sad, I’m mad.” This is really helpful for you as an adult to know, like, where your kid is emotionally at that point in time.
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: Maybe we can provide some of those examples that we were talking about earlier for modeling of what this might look like in our day-to-day. So let’s say your teen comes home, you ask how they’re doing, and they just say, like, “Ugh, I have so much homework I need to do, I haven’t even started studying for my bio test tomorrow.”
Erin Hoolihan, PsyD: And you can respond with something as simple as, “You have a lot on your plate. That sounds really overwhelming.”
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: Or another one, maybe your middle schooler comes home from school and shares they weren’t invited to their friend’s birthday party.
Erin Hoolihan, PsyD: Yeah, which is so sad. And maybe you as a parent can respond with something like, “Wow, I would feel really sad if my friend didn’t invite me to their birthday party. How are you feeling right now?”
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: Pretty common one we hear a lot too is maybe you’re asking your teen to clean their room and now you’re checking in to ask like, “Hey, did they do it?” Your teen comes through and says, “No, I told you I’d get to it later. I’m busy and I haven’t had any time.”
Erin Hoolihan, PsyD: And we understand this could be really frustrating as a parent, right? And you as a parent may be pulled to point out that they’re not busy because they’re watching YouTube or scrolling their phone or doing something similar. Unfortunately this can come across as invalidating and could lead to an argument. An alternative you could try is a validating statement that also shows that this chore you’ve assigned them is a priority. So this could sound something like, “I hear you saying that you’re busy and have other things that are requiring your time and cleaning your room is a priority. How can we ensure that you have time for the tasks that are important to you, and for cleaning your room today?”
Cindy Lopez: It’s so interesting in all the examples you just gave, it’s usually parents asking a question and follow-up, they’re validating. So part of that validating experience is wanting them to open up and talk about how they’re feeling. And so validating is an important piece and then asking that follow-up question seems to be an important piece as well. Did I get that right?
Erin Hoolihan, PsyD: That’s right on, Cindy. And I think an important piece that we want to highlight is that both can exist, right? You can validate and set those boundaries, or those expectations with your child, which is, I think we were trying to highlight in that last example. We’re not saying that you just validate and then don’t do other parenting things, right? We’re really just encouraging that you lead with this and open up with that validation as that usually does decrease those arguments and can de-escalate situations like we were talking about earlier.
Cindy Lopez: Yeah, it also reminds me of, I think one of you said earlier, like teens may not have an emotion word, right, for how they’re feeling. It does remind me of that big emotion wheel we’ve all seen, and we could put it in our resources for this episode, but there are a million ways to say you’re mad. Well, maybe not a million, but there are a lot of ways to say you’re mad or to say you’re sad. And so, maybe your teen is saying, I’m not mad, I am frustrated. I am annoyed, you know, they may not have those words. Would it be fair to like, say, “Ooh, you’re not mad. Could you be annoyed?” Is that also okay to give them some words?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: Part of what the practice earlier is giving them that language and being able to say, I’m hearing this experience that you’re sharing with me. Here’s what I think you’re feeling, or here’s what I would be feeling in that situation. And by giving them that emotion word, you’re giving them language to describe their experience and then to communicate that later on. And it has that also corrective experience, like you said, where maybe you can explore a little bit, like, okay, I think you’re sad, but you’re saying you’re angry or you’re irritated. Those are all really different experiences and super helpful to know and have that space to explore with, too.
I also wanted to touch on a thing really quickly earlier too, you can always ask a follow-up question, and I know for parents that can feel really overwhelming to like, hold on, I have to be actively engaged and listening to my kid, I have to try and identify what they’re feeling, I have to come up with that emotion word, which is also hard for us as adults, and then communicate that to them in a non-judgmental way. And now I have to add on a sentence and like an open question. You can also just focus on summarizing and kind of stating it and seeing where that goes. Having that validating statement in one of our early examples, right, of like, that sounds overwhelming.
That can open up a conversation or space with your kid as well. So, you can kind of view it a little bit as some steps if it feels too much at first to go in with those open-ended questions.
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Cindy Lopez: So let’s talk about what you’re hearing from the teens themselves. I think lots of times we might hear from teens, like, “My parents just don’t get it.” And then parents are also saying, “How can I get my teen to talk about what they’re feeling” or to give me some input about what’s happened during their day. So what are you hearing from teens?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: As Dr. Hoolihan mentioned earlier, they want to have our support. We hear from them that it can be hard, like, they think they’re going to share, and then they’re going to get in trouble or their parents are going to be upset with them, and they don’t want to upset their parents. Or they’re going to be told, like, what they need to do, or what that they did wrong. And over time, this starts to build up, and it’s going to stop them from even trying to share. So as parents, like, we really want to make sure we’re helping to guide our kids. And so as our first reaction may be, like Dr. Hoolihan mentioned, I’m gonna give advice, or I’m gonna point out what we should do. We think this is helping. And for them, that might straight out the gate feel invalidating. So for our earlier example, if you started telling your kid who says, “Oh, I’m so overwhelmed. I have so much stuff to study,” like, okay, go and study, like, “You shouldn’t have left all that work until the last minute.” They’re gonna shut down, and then that ends the conversation and really silos them and their feelings. So maybe they tell us something that we find upsetting. We’re not happy about it. And we’re likely to go into critiquing or criticizing, saying those should statements, of like, what they should do. Once we jump into problem solving or advice giving, we’re cutting off that emotion. Those options for expression and connection are really shut down. So we first want to create that safe space, have our teens know that they can share, and then that can later lead into those opportunities for problem solving or brainstorming. But letting them know that they’re heard first can really be encouraging for those conversations. So, encourage the communication and sharing. That’s going to get our teens talking about their feelings, and when you’re naming that feeling, it’s going to open that door to talking, like we were saying earlier.
Cindy Lopez: I think our listeners are probably thinking, well, this is all great, but this doesn’t work in my life, right? I am not a therapist. I couldn’t figure this out. So we just talked about what might make it hard for teens to open up and as a parent or caregiver, we might get upset at what we hear from them. And like the example you gave about the teen saying I’m too busy to clean my room, I have, you know, other priorities basically, right? So instead of the parent or caregiver reacting in that space, like, take a step back. How do you talk to your teen without arguing?
Erin Hoolihan, PsyD: First, I want to say that when we lead with validation, this does tend to minimize arguments because the goal really is to understand and not prove who is right or wrong or what someone should or shouldn’t be doing. We also want to acknowledge that you all as parents and caregivers are human too, which means you’re gonna get upset, that is how we work. And so as parents we encourage you all to practice your own emotional identification. Take care of yourselves when you’re upset and model how to cope with intense emotions, right? We’re right back to that concept of modeling. And I think this is important because if you’re telling your child not to yell and scream when they’re upset, but then you respond by yelling and screaming when you’re mad, what they’re seeing you do is a much more powerful message than what they’re hearing you say. So I think so much of what Dr. Cavaligos and I are talking about, the validation, it starts with this sort of self-validation, starts internally, and then that is going to make it easier for you to do that for your child and to make those statements and to identify those emotions within someone else.
Cindy Lopez: Thank you so much. You’ve both shared a lot today in different ways, and I think our listeners hopefully will come back to this episode and listen again and again to like, “oh yeah, validating is this, but then I could follow-up with this question. And even as you said, Dr. Hoolihan to do a little self-reflecting, like how am I feeling in this moment? And not like bring that with me to the conversation. So many things I’ve learned as we’re talking, I wonder what are some tips that you have for our listeners as they might start to practice using this new skill?
Erin Hoolihan, PsyD: Yeah. Yeah. I think the first one is just to practice, right? The way we work with any new skill, encouraging your practice in your day-to-day life. Not just during disagreements or intense conversations with your teens, right? Practice with your friends, your partner, family members, co-workers. With any skill, we want to practice it when we’re calm and the stakes are lower, if you will, and then we’re gonna be more effective doing it in those conversations that are a little more intense or emotionally charged. I also like to offer a couple of reminders about what validation is and isn’t, right. So remember validation is not saying you agree or condone something. I think this can be such a big barrier to validation and the teens and parents that we work with. So I’ll hear parents be like, well, I didn’t agree with it so I can’t validate it. And those are two very different things. So you know, if your teen comes home and is really mad and slams the door, you can validate that they’re upset and maybe they’ve had a hard day or something really challenging just happened without approving of them slamming the door, right? We can separate those two things in how you’re communicating with your child. Another important point I like to make is that validation is not simply being nice or polite. So if Dr. Cavaligos has a hard day and she comes and tells me about it, and I say something like, “Oh, I’m sorry that happened to you.” That’s also not validation, right? That can be sympathetic, maybe a kind thing, but I’m not acknowledging any emotion or what she’s experiencing, right? So we really want to highlight validation is this specific skill that isn’t just, oh, you’re nice, or you’re kind, or you’re thoughtful, right? It really is a set of skills that needs to be practiced again, and again to be able to be applied effectively.
Cindy Lopez: For each of you, what’s the most important takeaway that you want our listeners to hear today?
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: So, I’ll just echo for both of me Dr. Hoolihan, but validation is super important. Also, it is a hard skill, and it takes practice. Therapists and doctors go to extensive training to learn these things, so don’t feel bad if it’s not an automatic skill that you feel like you can pull out and use in your day-to-day. Also, trying to factor in like, let’s not get onto the stage and perform without having practice. Let’s regulate ourselves, try and focus on bringing some of that emotion down, including, you know, maybe coping skills to reduce some of those intense reactions or impulsive things that we may engage in, like problem solving or wanting to go into kind of critiquing.
Also, practicing it day-to-day. To get started, you can try saying different sentence starters. So maybe you’re even like, where do I begin? You can echo what we’re saying right here and just say, “It makes sense that you feel…” and then put in your emotion word. “I can hear you feel…” “It’s understandable that you…” And then you can reference that emotion wheel that Cindy had also put into our references and utilize some of those with those sentence starters. And there you go. That’s a validation statement. Also, if you want more information, you can see those resources provided with our episode, our mental health tools on our website, or speak with one of our parent coaches or therapists about applying these in your day-to-day life and getting some of that support moving forward with them.
Cindy Lopez: Well, thank you both, Dr. Cavaligos and Dr. Hoolihan. And just to piggyback on what Dr. Cavaligos just said, if you want more information or want to speak with a parent coach or a therapist, we are here for you. You can reach us at chconline.org. You can call 650-688-3625, or you can email careteam@chconline.org and find out about the options that we might have here to help you as you try to practice and build this skill of validating. We do have parent coaching available at CHC. So, we’re happy to talk with you about the best way to implement this and how to communicate effectively with your kids and your family. So thank you again, Dr. Cavaligos and Dr. Hoolihan for sharing your insights and your expertise with us today and to our listeners. Thank you for joining us as well.
Tracy Cavaligos, PsyD: Thanks Cindy.
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